Light in the Darkness

I haven’t said anything yet on what happened last week on Facebook or on here. I have seen a lot of other people talk about it but the thing is that it bothers me. It does, all the way to my core, but I never know what to say…. my words and thoughts just don’t seem to be good enough or significant enough to really cover the pain and heartache that these poor families are facing.

The last week  made me think about a lot of things…  

I do believe that people who want guns for self-protection should be able to have them and people who like to hunt for the sport of it should be able to, BUT I do not believe that anyone who is not actively serving in a war should have any kind of assault rifle. I just don’t see the point, even if that person is responsible who is to say that person won’t one day snap, or that someone else unstable could get a hold of it? These types of guns should be put away. Also, I believe that it should be a little harder to obtain a gun. Make sure that every single person who has one gets a background check, and passes a gun safety course. Also, hold them accountable if anything ever happens with their gun, if someone takes and commits a crime, the gun owner is responsible too. I grew up around guns, I have shot guns and have  been hunting. Guns do not scare me, it’s the people who have the guns in thier hands.

Also, there have been times when having a gun around would make me feel safer. Hypothetically, if someone broke in my house and I were to hold a gun up and tell them I had a gun, more than likely they would back off, or at least I would have  a fighting chance. I don’t believe in taking all guns away at all… but I think the good people who want guns will be ok with a little bit of stricter laws. We can’t ignore this and something has to be done!

Also,  I feel ashamed of the media…. I know it’s their job and some of the reporters are pressured by their bosses to get the juiciest story,  but I feel it SO disrespectful of the families going through this though. Imagine if this were your family or close friend going through this and everywhere you turn there is the horrific picture of your grieving family member… or there is the story reminding you exactly what happened and the things these poor babies experienced. Leave these people alone and let them start the to heal.

Last but not least, I thought a lot about God during this last week. I have what I would call a pretty strong faith, but I saw where people would question where  God was during this and I have seen faith-based leaders argue over whether God was punishing us as nation for the things we have been doing… my opinion, is that I don’t know any of  the answers to this, I don’t know if this was a wake up call or what. I heard on the Christian radio the other day, a talk on this and this seemed to make the most sense to me, they said that obviously this is a fallen world and we as individuals also have free will. It is God and he can do what he wants, so he could have stopped it but for some reason didn’t, but God didn’t MAKE this happen, and that he is grieving along with us. I love that thought. That the God of the universe feels the same grief we do over this. It sounds cliché and I hate saying it, but he has plan we just don’t know the extent of it.  I can already see some of God’s goodness come out of this. I think that as a nation we have all became closer. People have been more compassionate (mostly). I saw this on the news yesterday and made me so happy to see. Ann Curry tweeted about the shooting and decided to honor the 20 children and do #20acts of kindness (eventually it turned into #26acts) and people all over the world tweeted in their random acts of kindness. Imagine if this was an everyday thing!!

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All of this to say, God is in this… he was with the students and teachers in the school that day, he was with the teachers who sacrificed  their own lives to save their students  and he is with all of us now. It’s not going to be an easy recovery and we will never fully be the same again, but there is still hope.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16: 33

On Overcoming…

“When we fear failure more than we love life, when we are dominated by thoughts of what we might have been rather than by thoughts of what we might become, when we are haunted by the disparity between our ideal self and our real self, when we are tormented by guilt, shame, remorse, and self-condemnation, we deny our faith in the God of love.”

Brennan Manning
The Signature of Jesus


I am so guilty of this. Aren’t we all at one time or another? I need to remember this, God does not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love  and a sound mind.

How do you overcome those feelings of inadequacy or fear/guilt?



Now is the Right Time


Love this… is it not the perfect truth?

Update on Dating Part 4

Well… it’s been awhile since I have done a post on this topic. Warning this post could get quite wordy. I am just telling you up front…

As I said in this post here, I am dating someone exclusively.

Remember these post: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3?

So, I started this experience back in February/March… it was a crazy, new, different, fun experience.
I met guys on Match and other random places and I would date them. They all knew about each other for the most part, or at least knew I was dating others.

 There were times when I got confused or drained or tired. Some weeks I was going out almost every night plus working at my church child care center a couple of nights a week.

One time, this is embarrassing to admit, but I had a dream that I had all of them there on one date (except in the dream it wasn’t really any of them.) and I couldn’t remember any of their names and was getting them all confused! That’s when I decided to narrow things down and quit adding more. It just was becoming overwhelming.

So, I backed off  Match – and after talking to a couple of them and my counselor (yes, I go to counselor – just to talk to someone about things.) I decided that I wasn’t really going to go anywhere with any of them if I didn’t put in a little more effort with any of them, and really try so I kept the ones that I was still interested in, who were also still interested in me. (Keep in mind I talked about 3 of these guys into doing the same thing – So I knew they were also dating other girls.) I don’t know how to explain this except for there was no pressure from anyone…it was the first time I was communicating up front and they were too and I was building up friendships. Yeah, some of them backed out and I obviously backed out on them too but it was respectful and it was honest. I am still friends with some of them, and really respect and admire them and truly wish them the best!

Now… let’s talk about how this exclusive thing happened:

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Thoughts Based on a Quote

“You won’t get what you don’t ask for. You can change your mind. And you don’t have to settle for fine.” –via

I saw this quote today and I loved it.

Each one of these sentences are so true:

You won’t get what you don’t ask for. – Things never just fall in your lap. I mean they can, but that’s rare right? I have this problem of not asking for things I want. I don’t really know exactly why I don’t ask for things. Maybe for fear of not being deserving enough. Maybe, sometimes its a fear of getting my hopes up and sometimes I think it’s a fear of actually getting what I want!

You can change your mind. –I think these little 5 words should be my mantra. I have the worst problem with making any kind of decision. I can’t make up mind, because everything seems so permanent. (hello….commitment phobe!) Does it have to be though??? No. not really. I can change my mind. If I make a decision and it doesn’t work I can change my mind and go on a different route. Nothing is really permanent. Now, if I got married, of course… I would hope that I or my spouse wouldn’t just change our minds but you know, in the day-to-day decisions that is a good mantra I think. Try new things. Worst case scenario – I can change my mind! Even if it does end badly, I learned my lesson and on to the next thing.

You don’t have to settle for fine – I hate settling, and maybe that’s why I can never make up my mind. I debate about if my decisions are settling or what I really should do. Maybe, we know deep down and we just have to trust this….intution. If you feel stuck in rut, change something and don’t settle. Again, it’s that fear thing that I believe makes most people settle.

So, I realized that all three of those sentences I related to fear. Wow… maybe I should work on being more brave!

How do you become a  brave person?

Thoughts on Moving:

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Turning in the keys to my apartment the other day felt very strange. This was my very own  apartment. I had lived alone, by myself for the last year and 1/2.

It was something I always wanted to say that I could do. If I ever had to, I wanted to know that I was capable of being completely on my own and it felt great. Sometimes it did feel lonely and sometimes I wished I had roommate to keep company with but other times I LOVED it. I loved that if I wanted to go to sleep really early one night, or sleep in really late on Saturday morning I could. Or if I got that creative inspiration all the sudden I could turn my dining room into my art studio for a couple of days and nobody would care.

Since high school I have moved every couple of years. I like to think of my twenties in chunks of time based on where and who I was living with:

1st it was the same apartment I just moved from back in 2004. I lived with my two step-sisters  and a high school friend. Back then we were freshman in college barely making any money and babies when it came to trying this independence thing. We didn’t mind fitting 4 girls in a 2 bedroom apartment it was fun carefree and sometimes scary. This was the city….it wasn’t Cushing.

There were the couple of months after that where I lived with Mom this wasn’t horrible, but I was 19 and not wanting to stay at home….

There was the semester Sophomore year where I tried the dorms. I was working for the Housing Office and they talked me into it. Although, I met a lot of great girls, it wasn’t for me.. the tiny space the parking was horrible and I spent more time at my friend’s houses. Not to mention it was crazy expensive.

So, I moved in with my best college friends Cristi and Chacie, in a house.It was a BIG deal for a 20-year-old to live in a house and not an  apartment. I think we spent more time out on the front porch drinking wine, and talking about boys then we did actually living in the house. My fondest memories come from that house on Elwood Dr. That house was for sure haunted by the way, but that’s a different story.

After living with Cristi and Chacie there was another time for some reason that I lived with my Mom again. I think to save money, I don’t really remember…. but I had a boyfriend at the time, and I pretty much lived at his house instead of my Mom’s. (Not cool by the way.)

Cristi had got engaged and her and her fiance got another house and they asked me if I would like to stay with them – of course. Agian, I really loved living with Cristi and Chad. Lots of fun times, maybe a little too much fun sometimes.

Then it came time for them to get married and I wanted to give them their married time so me and one of my step- sisters moved to the city and got an apartment together. That was really fun to for about a year. I have to say that Cindy is probably one of the best roommates I ever had. We got along great and had a lot of fun!

Then I moved in with one of my then co-workers, Sarah and two of her friends. We moved to this giant house. I made a lot of good new friends when I lived with her. At the time I was student teaching and I was really busy so I wasn’t really at the house that much. I wish I would have hung out a little more. That year came and went…

Then I graduated. I had no idea where I would get a job. Everything was up in the air and I didn’t want to sign a lease anywhere but my friend Chacie (remember 2nd set of roommates) said I could stay with her in her extra bedroom. So I went down to Moore where I stayed for the summer until I got my job and my very own place…

Which leads me to present day.

Now, it’s time to start another chapter… it’s not that I don’t like living alone and it’s not like I couldn’t afford the bills, but I was thinking about how nice it would be to have a roommate again to split rent/bills with and I was talking to a newer friend I made this last year and she is the same boat as me. So, we discussed it and her Dad actually bought her a house and we are officially roommates. It feels good to live in a house again. Have more space, pay 1/2 the rent I was paying and to just have someone there. 

That was a lot of moving in the last 8 years! I am ready to start the next story though. I plan on staying here until Sarahbeth kicks me out or one of us gets married.

That is something I actually look forward to one day. A house that would be my own families house that would be our home, and not temporary. Where we wouldn’t have to pack up and move after every lease… a real home.

Until then, I will just see where this goes…

If You Were to Ask Me How I Feel Right Now:

I need to do something creative. I need to use my brain to make things and think about things outside the box. I need a job and life more suited for me.

If only I had more money…if only I had the courage to leave Oklahoma (nothing too exciting happens here, and everything I would like to do, needs a different kind of market)…if only I had the courage  just do it.

This might sound weird but this is the best way I can explain it: Some days I feel trapped. Like my mind races with creativity and really cool ideas but I can’t get it out.I don’t have enough paper for my doodles and thoughts and sometimes those thoughts need more than just to be jotted down on my 8 1/2 x 14  legal pad… and then my mind goes numb by sitting in cubicle answering phone calls and just being here.trapped. I am right-brained person in sea of left-brained people. That’s not even a joke or lie – just a fact…and there is nothing wrong with left-brained people, that’s just not me. (When people I work with see my cubicle for the first time they usually ask me if I am an artist or something?? Maybe that might help explain things.)

I want to just run away and go somewhere cooler, where people would be like me and understand me and help me express myself better… I do LOVE my city, but sometimes I feel like it’s not for me?

Sometimes,  I get the scariest thought of my life, what if this is it? What if this is my life? That thought sends panic up and down my spine through every cell of my body. This can’t be it! No! I won’t let it… Don’t get me wrong, I am very, very happy and grateful to have a job. I do love my co-workers, and it pays my bills and gets me through the month, every month, it’s just a feeling I have sometimes. I am sure most people can relate to, or maybe it’s just me.

I should have stayed an art major in school and I should have just went with it, but then again, who says you have to have the degree in art (or quit your day job) to be an artist????

 [end rant]

Thanks for listening,

z154302498-1.jpg image by Miss_Mandy04

It’s Worth It

I was reading Casey’s blog, and I came across this article

Reasons why I loved this story:

  • It reminded me of what I want.
  • It showed me that there are people out there who are capable of being good.
  • It was one of the saddest/sweetest stories I have read.
  • I love the way that in probably the MOST difficult situation this guy used it for the better… became a better husband/father.
  • It’s so cute the way he talks about his children
  • The way he talks about his wife is super sweet.
  • It also reminded me that what I want is not bad or weird.
  • The way he talked about relationships as not emotions and that there is NO perfect person.
  • He takes his children on dates.
  • He talks about his wife and him depending on each other but also having independence.
  • He puts people above things.

Everybody could learn how a thing or two from this guy…

z154302498-1.jpg image by Miss_Mandy04

Life Happens


I read something today on this girl Kristie’s blog that was so inspiring…

Some days, this all seems quite complicated.

Until I realize it might just be very simple:
People are worth knowing.
Love is worth giving.
The world is worth discovering.

if only I could remember this everyday.

In 5 lines it’s like she can understand me and my worries and things make sense again. I love that about reading blogs. Sometimes you find a blog you read and they say something that directly affects you. They don’t even know it – but it happens.  One of the things I want the most for this little blog of mine is to maybe be an inspiration to someone out there. I wish I had the courage to actually be a little more honest and a little more open. Maybe that will come.

What is inspiring you lately? I would love to hear about it.

Things I Used to Tell Myself…

I used to tell my self lies..

{Lie} I will never like coffee. 
[Truth] I actually love it now!

{Lie} I hate running and working out and I will never like it.              
[Truth] Working out feels great!

{Lie} I will never be kissed by a  boy.(This seriously plagued me all of my teenage years.)
[Truth] That didn’t happen.

{Lie} I will never be able to drive in the city.                                       
[Truth] I have lived in the city a long time now.

{Lie} Skinny jeans are so unflattering on me.
[Truth] My skinny jeans are now my favorite jeans.

{Lie} Chinsese food is yuck!
[Truth] I really love it…

Lie} If I do this or that… (or don’t do this or that) then no will like me.
[Truth] I have plenty of people who love me no matter what I do or don’t do.        

{Lie} When I have felt stuck in the past, I thought things would never change. 
[Truth] Things always change.

Here is another truth… I still tell my self lies. I won’t share those now…. but the point is the lies I tell myself now are different then the lies I used to tell myself. I am more aware of them now and I can catch them and rebuke them, which has stopped a lot of worry/anxiety in my life over really dumb things. 

Rethinking the thought and asking my self if it’s true? Is it really true?? Are you 100% sure that’s the truth? Will usually snap me back to reality in no time. It’s amazing what happens when you just pay attention to your thoughts.

 I watched this last night…and it couldn’t have been more fitting.  Even, with knowing how to stop worrying and negative thoughts it’s hard – but then I read this.  Anyways… I just wanted to share this it was on my heart lately. (Maybe it can be of use to someone else.)